Men and Prada

We have a running joke in my family. The men always get stuck with the purses. In dressing rooms, at weddings, and some times if us women have to fix our hair and don't want to put our bag on the floor. So ultimately husbands wind up with their wives' purses. However, I have never seen quite the spectacle as I have at the fertility clinic. The husband/boyfriends walk around he clinic as if the purses were actually theirs!
It makes total sense. Us women are either going under anesthesia, having some "procedure" done, or having bloodwork and a sonogram. We are asked to strip down completely naked or waist down. Who wants to mind their purse too?
And what better way to make your man feel less like a sperm bank and more like he's helping you than to give him your purse to hold?
My husband and I are sitting here waiting, people watching and almost every single man in the waiting room had a gorgeous purse. Coach, Cole Haan, Prada, some of which I was wanting to add to my own collecton. One man actually walked out of the elevator, alone, with a hot purple Prada bag like it was his own. Noone even looked twice scince they also held beautiful bags. I recognized this guy because he was dropping off a "specimin", forgot his identification form to sign the it was his sperm. And was so nervous I thought he would collapse in front of me. Awkward. Poor guys. And we think we have it bad.
So ladies...we should like everything else in a relationship, do our purse shopping with our husbands. Because ultimately whats worse than having to hold a bag that you hate?

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Wishin' and Hopin' an Waitin'

This has been the longest week of my life...and it's only Wednesday. Waiting for IVF is very different than my experiences the last few months. Honestly, the docs keep asking me if I'm excited. The answer is NO. I'm not sure why. I'm trying very hard to be honest with myself about my feelings, the people in my life and the amount of support I have. I guess I'm scared...in general. To get pregnant, to not get pregnant, to have anesthesia, to stay home on bed rest for a few days, to carry a baby, to have a family...many thoughts are going through my head and the week keeps dragging. And I think that going throguh this month after month has made me kinda numb.

I'm sure I'll feel differently once the procedure is over. I usually do. The egg retrieval; as they call it is Friday morning. They suck like 10-15 ripe eggs right out of my ovaries. Then they fertilize them right then and there, wait 3-5 days and implant them back in which is similar to IUI.

This HAS to work!

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Back for the First Time...

So here we are again. Attempt number 1...failure...post-surgery...4 IUI total. Back at the clinic. At this point I think we’re going to push for the IVF. We struggled with the idea a bit. It's just so beyond anything I thought I'd ever have to do. Technically we could go another 2 times with IUI. I don't know if we could take much more.

1hour later...

My doc entered the room speechless. She brought IVF to MY attention. No pressure but just being sensitive to the fact that it’s still is not working and she does not have an answer as to why. So I instantly took it as a sign. There were other factors that we had to consider before deciding. Were we being impatient or realistic? First of all, we have not used any birth control in 5 years and had IUI 4 times! I don't think the odds are in our favor to do this au naturale. Plus the scar tissue and speck of endometriosis that was found and removed during the surgery could grow back at anytime. The doc actually said that they didn't want to delay treatment after the surgery unless I felt that I needed a break (which I didn't). So I there is a bit of a time crunch~Me vs. Scar tissue.

At this point it's a little bit of both-IVF it is.

Yes...I've Got Rants

While trying to stay ultra positive during this difficult time one may find the occasional bump in the road...a test if you will. It usually happens when you don't get answers to your questions or you have expectations that were not fulfilled. But what about when you have questions that doesn’t get answered because of the male ego.

I've seen female doctors for all of my life at my mother's suggestion. "They don't
understand how it feels to have a period, or a breast exam. How could they know
how you feel?", she'd say. I started seeing male doctors when I had this
infection. They were pretty much who was available at the time and I was so
sick I didn't care.  It was fine for me, I was "cured" but the after math sucked.  I’ve mentioned this before; I had pelvic pain for months after the infection was gone. The answers were all the same when going to the numerous doctors complaining that I felt something puling from my belly button through my uterus; "There is nothing wrong",
"There's nothing there".

If I learned anything from that experience, it's that doctors are humans and don't know everything even if they pretend they do.  They may not ever have a correct answer, but ALWAYS have an answer for you. I guess if they let you leave saying "I don't know" that wouldn't look good either. So they probably keep a number of rote responses under their hats to "pacify" the questions of a curious patient. Especially when there is no pathology or when your questions aren't within their "realm" of knowledge.

So trust your body.  I do.  I know the right answer.

I happen to like this one doc because he is very laid back, commenting almost too much but sincere, "awesome", "great", "good luck", "I want you to do what you feel comfortable with", "stay positive", "take a break for a month if you want to", and other supportive expressions with regard to our choices.

At my consult following the laparoscopy, I left feeling pretty defeated. When I asked how the
scar tissue got there and if it will come back I was given a few unlikely answers and an "absolutely not" response to my suggestions; referring to the infection on my lower left side, where the scar tissues was found a month ago, which lead me to physical therapy for my pelvis for almost a year.  His answer was that even though it was a "significant amount of scar tissue you wouldn't feel it."

Question: If your colon was wrapped up into a horseshoe shape when it should be flat, would you feel it?

He was so arrogant...nice but arrogant..with this little smirk on his face. And numerous doctors, even the women have said "When I get you pregnant..."God complex much?

The fact is that even though I want an answer, it doesn't really affect our choices or decisions for what comes next. There is nothing I can do to control his knowledge or answers.  Don’t
get angry, suck it up! This man is helping you. Just nod your head…I kept
my mouth shut.

A Sterile Environment Too...

One thing about fertility clinics is that they are not like going to a doctor's office.  A receptionist, one or two doctors on staff.  A cozy little exaam room and usually some comforting bedside manner.  If you don't like your doctore you can find a better one out there for the same price and experience.  Fertility clinics are better compared to a factory of some sort.  A sperm factory?  A baby factory?   It is it's own entity.  There are about ten "patient advocates" on staff who take your blood.  Some suck at it.  They may call you by the wrong name (again..they have so many patients they can't keep the names straight).  Some try to make rediculus conversation about things you don't want to talk about at 7 am when you've been up since 5 and running just to sit in the office and wait for an hour.  Then get called, examined, and medicated just to run to work for 8 hours.  Other "patient advocates" are great.  There are also 1-2 nurses and 1-5 doctors on staff at any given time. 
At 7 am the first 6 patients are called since there are 6 examination rooms.  The doctors bounce from patient to patient, giving an internal sonogram, clicking the buttons and running out like the wind.  One doctor who is not rude but sterile insisted on introducing herself every single time she came into the room.  Each time I went I may have the same doctor or maybe not.  But this particular week, I had this woman 4 times.  So I'm the type of person that feels like this..."You have been inside my vagina with a probe at least four times this week alone and you'll probably be in there a few more times before the month is over.  Anyone that goes near that area...I know your name.  It's actually a prerequisite for me to know your name if you go near there."  It would be one thing if she introduced herself and continued small talk or actually asked how I was feeling...something that gave me an indication that she was human.  But no..."I'm Dr. so and so."; gloves on, condom on the probe, "cold gel", "pressure in the vagina"  c-c-click, click..."pressure left" click...click..."pressure right" click...click, "aaand done."  "See you outside for instructions."  Then she left.  Like I said the exact same thing happened 4 times that week.  So one day when she came in and introduced herself, I innocently stated, in order to lighten the mood a bit, "I know your name, we've met."  SILENCE.  Her smile faded..."Well I just like to introduce myself before giving a vaginal exam."    That was 4 months ago and she has never introduced herself to me again.  As I said...sterile.

The Aftermath Part 4

Ok.  This scar in my belly button is getting gross now. It looks like something is growing “out” of it.  Must be scar tissue.  More scar tissue!  My follow-up went well.  I am actually getting achier as the days go on.  I worked hard this week and I think having surgery is still traumatic to your body…kind of like a car accident.  You begin to have aches and pains that were not there the 1^st, 2^nd, 3^rd or even 4^th day.  Weird.  It’s almost like being in a car accident.  Thank God for husbands.

I’m just looking forward to relaxing this weekend and really letting my belly button heal.  I know I’m extra paranoid but it’s freaky to constantly be wondering if there’s an infection brewing in your belly button. 

The doctor said she was very happy that we did the surgery and that my incisions look fantastic and she is not worried about them at all.  She said there were a lot of adhesions and that we will go over the lab results and the pictures at the next post op.  Feeling sore but refreshed and hopeful!

The Aftermath Part 3

I’ve been watching Desperate Housewives, eating eggplant parmesan and sleeping on and off for 2 days.  I have minimal pain now.  I’ve been taking the Motrin 600 and it’s been doing the trick.  The scars just pretty much hurt with some soreness in my abdomen.   I stopped bleeding from the DNC a few hours after the surgery.  So I think I’m officially in the clear.  No sex, tampons, baths or lifting for 2 weeks.  I have 2 more appointments over the next few weeks; one to get the stitches out and one for the results. 

I have 3 scars; the biggest one is inside my belly button, it’s so deep I can’t see the end, which is pretty gross but I try not to think about it.  There is one the right side of my pelvis about ¼ inch long, and one on the left side of my pelvis about 1 inch long.  They are starting to feel tight now.  I use iodine to keep them clean.  All I can do is heal and relax for the rest of this vacation, which is exactly what I plan to do! 

My husband has been a saint.  He’s definitely seen me at my worst…numerous times.  But the medical stuff is definitely hard for him.  He freaked when I decided to have the surgery because he thought I would be awake like I was for the fertility tests. He knew how unpleasant it was and how freaked out I was afterwards.  This time he looked at my scars no problem and actually thought they looked good.  He stayed with me while I showered, held the bag when I thought I was going to puke and served me my meals in bed.  I know that it’s his job as my husband and I’d do the same for him but it still makes me love him more with every kind gesture.