The Aftermath Part 3

I’ve been watching Desperate Housewives, eating eggplant parmesan and sleeping on and off for 2 days.  I have minimal pain now.  I’ve been taking the Motrin 600 and it’s been doing the trick.  The scars just pretty much hurt with some soreness in my abdomen.   I stopped bleeding from the DNC a few hours after the surgery.  So I think I’m officially in the clear.  No sex, tampons, baths or lifting for 2 weeks.  I have 2 more appointments over the next few weeks; one to get the stitches out and one for the results. 

I have 3 scars; the biggest one is inside my belly button, it’s so deep I can’t see the end, which is pretty gross but I try not to think about it.  There is one the right side of my pelvis about ¼ inch long, and one on the left side of my pelvis about 1 inch long.  They are starting to feel tight now.  I use iodine to keep them clean.  All I can do is heal and relax for the rest of this vacation, which is exactly what I plan to do! 

My husband has been a saint.  He’s definitely seen me at my worst…numerous times.  But the medical stuff is definitely hard for him.  He freaked when I decided to have the surgery because he thought I would be awake like I was for the fertility tests. He knew how unpleasant it was and how freaked out I was afterwards.  This time he looked at my scars no problem and actually thought they looked good.  He stayed with me while I showered, held the bag when I thought I was going to puke and served me my meals in bed.  I know that it’s his job as my husband and I’d do the same for him but it still makes me love him more with every kind gesture.

The Aftermath Part 2

When I went into this surgery I expected he doctors to tell me I had endometriosis because the doctor's said that it’s the only logical explanation that could cause the scar tissue they were seeing. After we have our baby, I would go on birth control and that would manage it from growing. When I left yesterday, there was no endometriosis. Just scar tissue...everywhere. It was connecting from my colon to my fallopian tube to my uterus. My husband saw pictures when I was in recovery he said it looked crazy. They had before and after pictures.  I had a makeover! I'll see them at my post-op appointment.

I had an infection 2 summers ago that caused massive pain and confusion. I'm still not sure what the cause was but it went on for 2 weeks and I was on different antibiotics hat weren't helping. Finally the emergency room doctors gave me Cypro and Flagyl which pretty much kills everything. The CAT scan showed an infection in my "lower left quadrant." I had a colonoscopy months later and they aren't sure that it was my colon either. That experience was a nightmare. Lots of scar tissue...huh.

The Aftermath Part 1

My surgery today was a success. Yes its 1am and I'm awake but the anesthesia is finally wearing off and I can stand up without wanting to barf...well maybe still a little. I've been sleeping on and off since around 5 in the afternoon.

So far the worst part of surgery was waiting for 4 hours in the surgical office before, coming out of the anesthesia and the car ride. I didn't think the anesthesia would make me so sick and I didn't think I would make it home without puking.

I was given a tip by the nurse (after the fact of course) that if you suffer from motion sickness and have to have surgery you should tell the anesthesiologist because they can add stuff to the medication during surgery so you don't get nauseous afterward...if you don't tell them no amount of anti-nausea meds will help you they just send you home with some crackers, ginger ale, a barf tray and a prayer that you make it.

Oh, but first you have to survive the wheelchair ride from hell.
I'm not the biggest puker in the world, but if you are...beware! My question is, "Wouldn't it be nice for the doctors to ask you that simple question beforehand?" They ask you every other question known to man! This one simple question would be so worth asking.

A Sterile Environment

When we make love with our spouses, there is verbal and non verbal communication. Eye contact, touching, kissing, talking... true intimacy. Most of the time anyway. Some prefer a quickie; others prefer a two hour extravaganza. Whatever our preferences, we have a 22 hour window and 25% chance of conceiving a child every month. The average woman does not think "Am I ovulating?", "Will this be the time I get pregnant?" We just enjoy the moment.

Maybe that's why some couples get pregnant so easily or even accidently. Maybe they aren't quite ready to be parents; the newlyweds who are too excited to use birth control, the young single girl who is experiencing her first love and sexual awakening or the couple on vacation who gets a surprise when they return home. These babies are usually conceived in pleasure and love.

When you’re in fertility treatment this not the case. Forty-eight hours before the IUI procedure, we abstain from the one thing that will send endorphins throughout our bodies and give our moods a lift. Sperm lives inside the body for approximately 48-76 hours so my husband and I usually have sex 48 hours before IUI because if we get pregnant we won't really know if it was our lovemaking or the IUI. That's one of our ways of coping.

The IUI experience is...strange to say the least...sterile. I like the word "sterile", to describe people, places and feelings with regard to fertility treatment because that's only word that hits the nail on the head. Most doctors hardly listen, don't ask how you’re feeling and are in and out of the room once they perform their part of the procedure.

We are part of some bizarre sweatshop scenario. We show up with a "specimen", the lab "treats" the sperm. (Fun Fact: during sex, our vaginas clean the sperm before it enters our uterus!). So for IUI, the sperm is chemically treated since its being put right into the uterus.

So, I lay on the table with my legs in the stirrups, waiting for the lab to put the finishing touches on our baby batter. Me and my husband are talking about whatever, deciding what we want to eat afterwards, playing with our cell phones, figuring out what we want to do for the rest of the day...waiting.

The nurse comes in with a test tube and tells me to hold tightly in my hand. When I look, it's a pretty pink elixir that is supposed to get me pregnant. It looks like a sweet test tube dollar shot. For a second I want to drink it. But that would be silly...

While I'm warming our potion in my sweaty palm, the nurse is opening plastic wrappers and clanging medical instruments and the doctor is preparing my "vagg". Speculum...saline to clean the uterus...gauze to soak up the saline...the nurse reaches for the test tube...a thin catheter is inserted...I feel a tiny deep pinch...done...they remove the instruments and close my legs.

Now we have to wait 5 or 10 minutes until I can get up. Obviously the experience isn't romantic or sensual or even loving...sterile.

Although, I have to say that my wonderful husband strokes by hair while I deep breathe to get through the discomfort. When the procedure is over, we sit and stare at each other. We hold hands. He kisses me. He rests his head on my chest.

Its strange how something so personal becomes so clinical and how a private event that takes 2 people turns into a party...minus the cocktails.

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Conspiracy Theory

A woman at the clinic once said to me, "Ya know, this is a conspiracy! We grow up drinking milk and eating meat with all these hormones in it. No wonder millions of women can't get pregnant! It's an epidemic! Then these doctors want to shoot us up with more hormones! We have to pay thousands for them and suffer the side-effects just to get fibroids that have to be surgically removed anyway! And still NO BABY! Bastards!" That was at 6:30 am...but I'm not allowed to take drugs, right?

Doctors always want you to come back for a "consultation." Or what I like to call "milking the cash cow." I know the consultation is their way of explaining a procedure and to cover themselves so that you know that they are doing actual surgery. I knew this surgery was plan B from the beginning. We decided to do a number of IUI's and if they didn't work the doctor would dig deeper. So it's always been on the table...like a back up right?

The truth is when you have insurance (thank God for it) no doctor is going to make much money from you. When I looked at the actual bill for all the procedures I've had and then saw the amount that the insurance actually pays it's kind of pathetic. It's literally a fraction of the actual costs.
My clinic wants me to come back on the day I'm due for my period (if I dont get it by then) just to take a pegnancy test ($30) later. In the past I just waited until the third day of my cycle because that's the day I start treatment again. But not today.

When I spoke to the doctor last week he wanted me to come in on the scheduled pregnancy test day because if I got my period we would discuss and schedule the surgery. Trickery! When I get there, the nurse takes my blood and tells me to make an appointment for the consultation for the surgery and an appointment for the surgery. Meanwhile the doctor is at his desk across the hall. "They don't do consultations in the morning." So I have to go back. $30 for today, $30 for the consutation, and $30 for the surgery. Hence...cash cow. Imagine if we didn't have fantastic insurance?

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Surgically Devoted

A woman at the clinic once said to me, "Ya know, this is a conspiracy! We grow up drinking milk and eating meat with all these hormones in it. No wonder millions of women can't get pregnant! It's an epidemic! Then these doctors want to shoot us up with more hormones! We have to pay thousands for them and suffer the side-effects just to get fibroids that have to be surgically removed anyway! And still NO BABY! Bastards!" That was at 6:30 am...but I'm not allowed to take drugs, right?

Doctors always want you to come back for a "consultation." Or what I like to call "milking the cash cow." I know the consultation is their way of explaining a procedure and to cover themselves so that you know that they are doing actual surgery. I knew this surgery was plan B from the beginning. We decided to do a number of IUI's and if they didn't work the doctor would dig deeper. So it's always been on the table...like a back up right?

The truth is when you have insurance (thank God for it) no doctor is going to make much money from you. When I looked at the actual bill for all the procedures I've had and then saw the amount that the insurance actually pays it's kind of pathetic. It's literally a fraction of the actual costs.
My clinic wants me to come back on the day I'm due for my period (if I don’t get it by then) just to take a pregnancy test ($30) later. In the past I just waited until the third day of my cycle because that's the day I start treatment again. But not today.

When I spoke to the doctor last week he wanted me to come in on the scheduled pregnancy test day because if I got my period we would discuss and schedule the surgery. Trickery! When I get there, the nurse takes my blood and tells me to make an appointment for the consultation for the surgery and an appointment for the surgery. Meanwhile the doctor is at his desk across the hall. "They don't do consultations in the morning." So I have to go back. $30 for today, $30 for the consultation, and $30 for the surgery. Hence...cash cow. Imagine if we didn't have fantastic insurance?

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Time Flies When Your Having Fun

I've noticed that since I've been in treatment. Time flies AND stands still. I feel like we've been doing this forever but when I think about we've only been doing this since July. Sometimes the days blend together. Other days never end but time just keeps on passing. I can't believe its February. My sister is having her baby in about 2 months. The school year is more than half way over. The holidays were a wash. I turned 34. Its 55 degrees today. That's almost spring! I told my husband how I feel about the weird time thing; that we didn't really have holidays, and then he wished me a happy Valentine's Day. I totally forgot. He just hugged me. I never really liked Valentine's Day anyway. But that's beside the point. My good friends were talking about going on vacation, planning for next year..."Let's save money in a vacation account and go someplace nice. Just us girls." That's the best idea I've heard in a long time. Thinking that far ahead is nearly impossible? I don't know where I'll be! Maybe I'll be a mom... It's hard to plan or commit to anything because of the timing, when will I ovulate, will that weekend be the one that I'll need to be inseminated? Will I have to go to the doctor during treatment?  I don’t know what is going on in the world.  I don’t keep up with current events.  I don’t know who is winning on American idol (can’t stand that show but people keep asking me about it!).   I’m lucky I know the date.  So I plan to make no plans. I'm content with my books, house projects, my wonderful husband, my 3 doggies and Netflix streaming (thank God for that).

All the Single Ladies

So it’s going to be a long day. I’m here, at the clinic. 6:32 am. This is late. There are a lot of people in front of me today. I usually have a book with me but I’m looking for one that will keep my attention. So, for now I will just people watch...yes people watching at the fertility clinic. You must think I’m nuts...but it is interesting to look at the other women here and wonder what their story is. Are they getting IUI? IVF? Surgery? Maybe they are pregnant now. How long have they been doing this? We all enter this dark, quiet room the same...looking around at the other women in the room wondering what their story is. They take off their coats nonchalantly, putting their heads down and their eyes up to see if anyone is looking at them but still able to glance around at others. You can tell who is a new patient because they ring the doorbell to come in when it's too early for anyone to be here to answer. That is why they leave the door open for us special ladies. Eventually, you start to see the same women all the time. "Are we on the same cycle?" There have been a few couples that I've seen here on the exam days and insemination days. They notice us too. And we just smile and nod at each other.
There is one man here. He is here every time I'm here. No, he's not a patient but he must work in the hospital and comes here to take naps. There about 15 women here. No husbands. No boyfriends. I'm not complaining. Sometimes I feel like I'm SUPPOSED to want my husband here with me, but I don't. I mean for the important stuff, YES. But every other day coming here and waiting? No. Call me a control freak...but I think I'm a loner at heart.

Turkey Basting

Our first insemination was in October.  I did injections for 2 weeks.  I figured, "This has to work.  They put the sperm right there.  There is nothing wrong with us!  It's gotta work!"  I don't think that I moved from the couch for 2 days hoping that the rest would help fertilization and attachment.  I didn't get pregnant.  During the second cycle, I continued my life as normal knowing that the lack of movement the first time didn't make a difference.  I got my period on Thanksgiving.  So the next day I went to the clinic to start treatment for the third time.  When I got home the clinic called and said that my pregnancy test came back positive but the hormone level was very low.  So I would have to be monitored closely for the next few weeks.  The doctors and nurses kept saying, “Stay positive.  You did get pregnant.”  So, I stayed positive.  I really still felt hopeful and thought good thoughts.  Still bleeding, I went for blood work every other day for about 2 weeks.  The hormones went up then down.  The doctors were concerned I had an ectopic pregnancy.  So we waited some more.  They hoped that the bleeding meant that I was miscarrying and my body was cleaning itself out.  They called it a "chemical pregnancy" where the egg gets fertilized, but it does not attach for whatever reason.  Luckily, this was the case.

I waited a full month to begin treatment again.  We started again in January.  For some reason injecting myself was becoming more painful and difficult.  Nothing had changed except that time was passing and my frustration growing.  My husband asked more frequently if I was ok.  Sometimes I would be and others I would have a rough day.  We received a gift from my friend with some healing crystals, a prayer book for mothers and a nice card...I just burst into tears.

We had another insemination at the end of January.  And here I am.  February 13, 2011 with cramps and bleeding...another failed attempt.  I assume I'm not pregnant but I have to admit that I'm a little afraid that I'll go to the clinic tomorrow and they'll tell me I'm pregnant again but not to get my hopes up.  They say that some women can bleed through their entire pregnancy and struggle with low hormone levels in the beginning and that often those women have full term pregnancies and healthy babies. 

I'm not giving up.  WE are not giving up.  My husband and I decided a few weeks ago that if we did not get pregnant this time, I will have the laparoscopy instead of another insemination.  It will be at the end of February.  Maybe that will shed new light or open a new door.  We’re still hopeful…

Handling It

Most women I've talked to about fertility treatment have horror stories.  They complain about getting up at the crack of dawn to sign in at 6:00 am or before to be called ASAP because all of us still have to go to work after our appointment.  Looking for parking that is never available because let’s face it, most people don't leave that damn early for work so no one moves their cars!  "It takes me two hours to get here.", "The hormones make me crazy," "Waiting to find out if your pregnant is the WORST!", "The hormones gave me fibroids,"  " I read on the Internet...", "I had to wait at my clinic vestibule in the freezing cold because I had to get there before they open." (Different clinic, same sign in sheet). 

Don't get me wrong, ALL of it sucks but what can you do?  It can make us feel like outsiders.  My mother had two children, no problem.  My sister is pregnant with her second beautiful child with no complications. Regardless, we can't change what is happening to us.  All we can do is listen to the doctors and do what makes us feel good until it’s over.  NO ONE understands unless it is happening to YOU.  It's your body, your, mind, and your emotions.  NO ONE knows how it feels to inject yourself with a needle twice a day.  NO ONE knows how it feels to have a life inside of you and have it die inside of you...and yes ladies I'll say it....NOT EVEN YOUR HUSBANDS WILL TRULY UNDERSTAND!  I'm lucky to have a VERY supportive husband.  He does his best and then some.  So...you take the support you can get...but no matter what anyone says you feel pretty much on your own.

Managing my emotions is a challenge on a regular day.  Most people annoy me in some way on a daily basis and I face many challenges.  I work full time as a speech therapist with high school children with severe Autism.  The job can be stressful and sad at times, but we all have to make a living right?

I'm prone to depression and anxiety which I've struggled with my entire life.  I got a better handle on it over the past few years by changing my priorities and making a conscious effort to remain centered.  The occasional Clonazepam was a necessity.  Since beginning the fertility treatment the doctors SUGGEST not to use any drugs such as antidepressants, Advil, caffeine, alcohol chocolate, nicotine...of course, all the good stuff.  So that was that.

After all of my fertility testing was finished at the end of August 2010, I made some conscious decisions some which are based on my Christian beliefs.

1.  DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING NEGATIVE

I did not assume that I would feel "psycho" on hormones.  I would take it as it comes.  I bought a very inexpensive ($100), used elliptical machine to help ward off feelings of anxiety or moodiness.  Thankfully, I did not have any side effects.  Truthfully, I don't think most women have these "psycho" side effects from the actual hormones.  I think the anxiety comes from the experience of financial strain, giving self/getting injections, lack of sleep, obsessing whether the process is going to work, reading too much on the internet, listening to too much advice, feeling like a vulnerable or whatever other individualized experience is making you feel crazy.  When you assume bad things will happen to you, it’s a self fulfilling prophecy.  You’re setting yourself up.  Trust me.  Before I changed my thinking, I lived most of my life this way.

2.  MY WORDS CAN CHANGE MY FEELINGS. 

Many self help books out there like "The Secret" and others preach that positive thinking and positive talking will get you what you want.  That the "universe" will hear you and deliver.  I thought "The Secret" was stupid.  I actually threw it out.  I couldn't bear to even pass it on to anyone else.  What I do know, that I know, that I know is that reading the Bible has taught me that has humans we are soldiers in a battle between good and evil.  Words, being said out loud play a big part in how we FEEL.  So, NOT complaining to everyone over and over about what I'm going through has helped me stay more positive about being in fertility treatment.  Haven't you ever noticed when you have a problem, telling all your friends, family, coworkers and anyone that will listen just fires you up more?  It doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it, or get angry, cry or yell...It just means to try not to obsess verbally.


3.  I WOULD NOT ASK A MILLION QUESTIONS. 

I came from an educated family.  My mom is a nurse, my aunt is a pharmacist, another aunt is a family therapist, and my sister occupational therapist.  We are scientists.  We WANT to know stuff.  About what is going on in our bodies and especially when a doctor is going to do something to our bodies.  I knew how babies were made when I was about 8 years old.  I knew exactly what my period was and was not the least bit surprised when Aunt Flo arrived at 10 years old.  But with regards to the fertility situation, I decided that less is more.  When the doctors told me to give myself one shot each day, I did.  When they doubled the dose, I did without question.  When they added another medication, I gave myself two shots a day.  I did not ask what each drug did.  I did not look up side effects.

4.  TAKE THINGS DAY BY DAY. 

I'm really only involved with what is going on today and the immediate future.  After fertility testing was over we had our consultation to get the results.  After our options were given, my husband and I knew that we wanted to begin IUI (Turkey Basting).  There has to be between 5-10 different methods clinics use to get people pregnant.  But everyone is different.  Not everyone has all the options.  One method that I was curious about and people close to me have asked, "Why don't you try invetro fertilization?"  Why?  I didn't ask because it wasn't offered (yet), and I'm doing the IUI right now.  I will not ask about invetro, or any other procedures because I don't want to know (even though I'm curious).  We have enough to absorb through this process.  I'm one woman!  I can't know everything!

5.  TELL MY HUSBAND EVERYTHING. 

After each appointment he calls me, "Are you ok?  What happened?" After every test I've had he sits with me and then tucks me under the blankets and I tell him the details.  He doesn't come with me to all of my appointments because let’s face it...he has to work too and I have to go to the clinic 3, 4, or 5 times a week for blood work and sonograms.  Even though he would give me the shots, I feel more comfortable doing it myself.  But he'll sit next to me just for support.  No matter how much it hurts to see the look on his face when I say, "I got my period."  I have to be brave.

6.  BE PATIENT. 

Women in fertility treatment need to keep their minds busy.  I found that reading books THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH FERTILITY have been helpful.  You cannot read about special diets for fertility, reasons for infertility, and the 60 year old woman who gave birth to twins, it’s ridiculous.  STOP.  Read something that empowers women.  I've got to say that I read the "Millennium Trilogy" by Stieg Larsson, "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo", "The Girl Who Played with Fire" and "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest" over the past 6 months.  They are excellent crime novels.  It was the best thing I could've done.  I have lots of house projects that we do together, to keep us busy.  I've also gotten into watching Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations on the Travel Channel.  I'm about to start reading his memoirs.  So while you’re "waiting" whether it is for the two weeks between a procedure and pregnancy test, waiting for a surgery date to arrive, or waiting between injections.  Consciously try to be patient and do other things you enjoy.

7.  LOOK FOR HUMOR  "Laughter is an instant vacation."  ~Milton Berle

Before my last insemination, we had our usual ritual.  The alarm goes off, there is a sterile cup on his side of the bed, I go in the shower, he does his "business" and we race to the clinic with what the clinic calls a "sample."  As all of you who are in treatment know, the staff instructs us to travel with the cup between our breasts to prolong the life of the sperm by keeping it at 98.6 degrees.  I'm rushing up the stairs because it's almost 7am which is when the lab and the clinic open.  A staff member is waiting there to collect samples from about three or four of us.  Holding out the biohazard bags, the girl says in a thick accent, "You have sample?"...Simultaneously we reach into our winter coats and into our bras to pull out these little cups of magic.  I thought that was pretty damn funny...

Our Journey

Our journey began in July of 2010 at a fertility clinic in Brooklyn, New York.  After trying and not trying for four years, my husband and I were visiting our best friends who were expecting their first child.  They had their own struggles with infertility and a number of miscarriages.  She told me to stop waiting and see a specialist.  It was definitely what I needed to hear because I never really thought about going that route.  It always seemed to be silly to me because getting pregnant was something that you spend most of your life trying not to do and would happen on its own.

When you tell the people close to you why you don't have kids yet but "were working on it", there are always SUGGESTIONS of how you should get pregnant.  Everyone is sure they have the perfect solution to your problem.  "Maybe your trying too hard.", "Don't think about it so much and it will happen.", "You need to go on vacation and it will happen.", "Don't get stressed out!  It will happen." , "You need to make love slowly and make it explosive, great sex." , "Make love, don't just have sex,." , "Just fuck your brains out, don't just make love." , "Drink ginger tea, twice a day and you'll be pregnant in a month.", "Go out with your husband, get drunk, and you'll definitely get pregnant."  Do you hear yourselves?  My husband and I have been together for 7 1/2 years.  All but maybe two of these things have been done without YOU having to tell us...It's partially my fault for telling anyone what is going on in my life but that's not how I roll.  I need to talk about the elephant in the room.  So, I take it all with a grain of salt.

We kept things fun for about a year...no pressure...when it happens, it happens...then we used ovulation kits.  I hated those things.  I know when I'm freaking ovulating because I feel like my ovaries are going to explode and I get nice and bloated!  Then we bought a house...one that needs to be renovated.  So for about 6 months we went back to "if it happens, it happens."  Were still renovating (doing the work ourselves) but it’s actually been helping keep our minds busy.

After our first consultation in July, I was scheduled for a series of tests that would happen throughout my cycle.  They would x-ray my fallopian tubes, blow up my uterus to look for imperfections, after sex they would test to see if my husband’s sperm was living inside my body, and do a biopsy of my uterus to look for endometriosis.
All four examinations were pretty traumatizing.  No doctor has been in those places in my body...ever.  Nor have those places ever been disturbed...so the actual tests and the aftermath were pretty uncomfortable.  I had lots of cramping, some bleeding and humiliation.  Even though the nurses assured me that it was not a big deal.  One nurse even said that a different patient had two of these test in one day...yeah right.  No thanks.

I had about 40 vials of blood taken in one week...23 in 1 day for various genetic testing and other stuff.  At the end of August it was finally done.

In September, we had a consultation to get all of our results back.  All of which came back perfect.  My husband’s sperm count and mobility were above average.  We both have the perfect reproductive systems.  We had 2 choices: Begin IUI or get one more examination... a simple surgery called a laparoscopy.  They would put a camera into my belly button to look at my ovaries and uterus from the outside for any imperfections.  We decided to start turkey basting.  When we left that day assured and a little excited that we were going to have a baby, the sky turned sepia and the winds blew tree branches all over our car.  We got stuck in a tornado...yes, a tornado...in Brooklyn...right behind the hospital...hmmm...metaphor?

The Purpose of this Blog

So today I woke up this morning with my period...again.  This is our third IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination, AKA: Turkey Basting, as my husband calls it...) procedure in 4 months, having a miscarriage somewhere in there.  Its 8 am on Sunday morning and after thinking about writing this blog for months I've decided that today is the day.  My purpose is to hopefully bring humor and comfort other women and myself with regard to these trying experiences.  The hormones, emotional roller coasters, pain full procedures, the question "why me" always in the back of your mind, and of course, EVERYONE else in your life popping out kids like PEZ!