Most women I've talked to about fertility treatment have horror stories. They complain about getting up at the crack of dawn to sign in at 6:00 am or before to be called ASAP because all of us still have to go to work after our appointment. Looking for parking that is never available because let’s face it, most people don't leave that damn early for work so no one moves their cars! "It takes me two hours to get here.", "The hormones make me crazy," "Waiting to find out if your pregnant is the WORST!", "The hormones gave me fibroids," " I read on the Internet...", "I had to wait at my clinic vestibule in the freezing cold because I had to get there before they open." (Different clinic, same sign in sheet).
Don't get me wrong, ALL of it sucks but what can you do? It can make us feel like outsiders. My mother had two children, no problem. My sister is pregnant with her second beautiful child with no complications. Regardless, we can't change what is happening to us. All we can do is listen to the doctors and do what makes us feel good until it’s over. NO ONE understands unless it is happening to YOU. It's your body, your, mind, and your emotions. NO ONE knows how it feels to inject yourself with a needle twice a day. NO ONE knows how it feels to have a life inside of you and have it die inside of you...and yes ladies I'll say it....NOT EVEN YOUR HUSBANDS WILL TRULY UNDERSTAND! I'm lucky to have a VERY supportive husband. He does his best and then some. So...you take the support you can get...but no matter what anyone says you feel pretty much on your own.
Managing my emotions is a challenge on a regular day. Most people annoy me in some way on a daily basis and I face many challenges. I work full time as a speech therapist with high school children with severe Autism. The job can be stressful and sad at times, but we all have to make a living right?
I'm prone to depression and anxiety which I've struggled with my entire life. I got a better handle on it over the past few years by changing my priorities and making a conscious effort to remain centered. The occasional Clonazepam was a necessity. Since beginning the fertility treatment the doctors SUGGEST not to use any drugs such as antidepressants, Advil, caffeine, alcohol chocolate, nicotine...of course, all the good stuff. So that was that.
After all of my fertility testing was finished at the end of August 2010, I made some conscious decisions some which are based on my Christian beliefs.
1. DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING NEGATIVE
I did not assume that I would feel "psycho" on hormones. I would take it as it comes. I bought a very inexpensive ($100), used elliptical machine to help ward off feelings of anxiety or moodiness. Thankfully, I did not have any side effects. Truthfully, I don't think most women have these "psycho" side effects from the actual hormones. I think the anxiety comes from the experience of financial strain, giving self/getting injections, lack of sleep, obsessing whether the process is going to work, reading too much on the internet, listening to too much advice, feeling like a vulnerable or whatever other individualized experience is making you feel crazy. When you assume bad things will happen to you, it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. You’re setting yourself up. Trust me. Before I changed my thinking, I lived most of my life this way.
2. MY WORDS CAN CHANGE MY FEELINGS.
Many self help books out there like "The Secret" and others preach that positive thinking and positive talking will get you what you want. That the "universe" will hear you and deliver. I thought "The Secret" was stupid. I actually threw it out. I couldn't bear to even pass it on to anyone else. What I do know, that I know, that I know is that reading the Bible has taught me that has humans we are soldiers in a battle between good and evil. Words, being said out loud play a big part in how we FEEL. So, NOT complaining to everyone over and over about what I'm going through has helped me stay more positive about being in fertility treatment. Haven't you ever noticed when you have a problem, telling all your friends, family, coworkers and anyone that will listen just fires you up more? It doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it, or get angry, cry or yell...It just means to try not to obsess verbally.
3. I WOULD NOT ASK A MILLION QUESTIONS.
I came from an educated family. My mom is a nurse, my aunt is a pharmacist, another aunt is a family therapist, and my sister occupational therapist. We are scientists. We WANT to know stuff. About what is going on in our bodies and especially when a doctor is going to do something to our bodies. I knew how babies were made when I was about 8 years old. I knew exactly what my period was and was not the least bit surprised when Aunt Flo arrived at 10 years old. But with regards to the fertility situation, I decided that less is more. When the doctors told me to give myself one shot each day, I did. When they doubled the dose, I did without question. When they added another medication, I gave myself two shots a day. I did not ask what each drug did. I did not look up side effects.
4. TAKE THINGS DAY BY DAY.
I'm really only involved with what is going on today and the immediate future. After fertility testing was over we had our consultation to get the results. After our options were given, my husband and I knew that we wanted to begin IUI (Turkey Basting). There has to be between 5-10 different methods clinics use to get people pregnant. But everyone is different. Not everyone has all the options. One method that I was curious about and people close to me have asked, "Why don't you try invetro fertilization?" Why? I didn't ask because it wasn't offered (yet), and I'm doing the IUI right now. I will not ask about invetro, or any other procedures because I don't want to know (even though I'm curious). We have enough to absorb through this process. I'm one woman! I can't know everything!
5. TELL MY HUSBAND EVERYTHING.
After each appointment he calls me, "Are you ok? What happened?" After every test I've had he sits with me and then tucks me under the blankets and I tell him the details. He doesn't come with me to all of my appointments because let’s face it...he has to work too and I have to go to the clinic 3, 4, or 5 times a week for blood work and sonograms. Even though he would give me the shots, I feel more comfortable doing it myself. But he'll sit next to me just for support. No matter how much it hurts to see the look on his face when I say, "I got my period." I have to be brave.
6. BE PATIENT.
Women in fertility treatment need to keep their minds busy. I found that reading books THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH FERTILITY have been helpful. You cannot read about special diets for fertility, reasons for infertility, and the 60 year old woman who gave birth to twins, it’s ridiculous. STOP. Read something that empowers women. I've got to say that I read the "Millennium Trilogy" by Stieg Larsson, "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo", "The Girl Who Played with Fire" and "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest" over the past 6 months. They are excellent crime novels. It was the best thing I could've done. I have lots of house projects that we do together, to keep us busy. I've also gotten into watching Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations on the Travel Channel. I'm about to start reading his memoirs. So while you’re "waiting" whether it is for the two weeks between a procedure and pregnancy test, waiting for a surgery date to arrive, or waiting between injections. Consciously try to be patient and do other things you enjoy.
7. LOOK FOR HUMOR "Laughter is an instant vacation." ~Milton Berle
Before my last insemination, we had our usual ritual. The alarm goes off, there is a sterile cup on his side of the bed, I go in the shower, he does his "business" and we race to the clinic with what the clinic calls a "sample." As all of you who are in treatment know, the staff instructs us to travel with the cup between our breasts to prolong the life of the sperm by keeping it at 98.6 degrees. I'm rushing up the stairs because it's almost 7am which is when the lab and the clinic open. A staff member is waiting there to collect samples from about three or four of us. Holding out the biohazard bags, the girl says in a thick accent, "You have sample?"...Simultaneously we reach into our winter coats and into our bras to pull out these little cups of magic. I thought that was pretty damn funny...
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